Amid heightened tensions stemming from the NEASC evaluation, Goodwin House seceded from the union of Newton South High School last Thursday.

“We have negotiated, we have pleaded our case, we have done everything in our power to come to terms with the issue, but the administration still refuses to respond to our most basic demands,” said Goodwin Housemaster Charles Myett in a statement Thursday.

Myett continued to complain, saying “They won't turn on our heating, our walls are hideous shades of red and yellow, and for God's sake, we have a wall directly in front of our main staircase! What do they expect us to do?”

“In the interest of maintaining peaceful relations with Newton South while still assuring our sovereignty, we have created a buffer zone by positioning a small contingent of troops in the neighboring halls and the upper section of the cafeteria,” explained Angela DeRubeis, Goodwin's secretary of defense.

The school administration said it would “take the necessary actions to insure the integrity of the school and the safety of its students,” but refused to answer questions. Acting Principal Brenda Keegan has, however, offered candy to anyone who can think of a way to resolve the crisis.

On Friday, skirmishes broke out between campus aides and the rogue Goodwin forces in the hallways and even on the upper level of the cafeteria. Neither Goodwin nor the administration would admit any knowledge of the fighting.

“I don't know how they can pretend this isn't happening,” said one junior eating lunch in the cafeteria, yelling to make himself heard over the pounding of artillery fire from a nearby hallway. Student reactions to the ongoing drama vary widely. “I think it's horrible that this is all going on. Why can't we all be friends?” asked one sophomore girl. A flannel-clad senior said, “I hate those goddamn Goodwinites. They'll deserve whatever they get.”

There have been no confirmed casualties resulting from the conflict, though one witness who spoke on condition of anonymity said he saw “several men in unmarked blue uniforms carrying human-sized bags away from the building.”