Brenda Keegan, the fictional principal of Newton South High School, addressed the senior class this morning, covering such issues as graduation, prom, and second semester parking.

After informing students that they would need a cap and gown to walk at graduation, Keegan received criticism from a large group of Ugg-wearing, Louis Vuitton-toting, style-conscious members of the class of 2006. “I’d be wearing the same thing as like, everyone else there!” lamented one girl.

Her image flickering in front of an auditorium full of restless twelfth graders, Keegan quickly switched to a more desirable topic. She proceeded to announce that seniors will be voting on the theme for southfest, an after-prom party that most will ditch in favor of “something a little more fun,” in the words of senior Sam Carus.

Keegan also pledged her support for a harmless senior prank and asked students to discuss with her ideas for a senior prank that would be “memorable but not destructive.” Her joke was well received.

The final and most prominent topic of discussion was the on-campus parking situation at South. Keegan’s semi-translucent figure notified students that the administration is no longer kidding about the parking regulations that have been in place all year. Violators will be punished with super-adhesive stickers, parental notification, and removal of the violator’s vehicle, or parts thereof.

A tense moment arose when Keegan was prompted to reveal that she knows nothing about the use of revenue from parking passes. Static appeared momentarily around the edges of Keegan’s body as she stated clearly that all rumors of a “slush fund” are absolutely unfounded.

The tension building in the crowd finally snapped as a textbook flew from the audience towards Keegan. Campus aides surrounded Keegan and rushed her out of the room just after the textbook passed through her head. Chaos reigned in the auditorium for nearly a half hour after the disturbance broke out.

Several rioting seniors suffered minor injuries, but Keegan was unharmed.