The Radish, an online satirical news publication known for its focus on satire related to Newton South High School, has been bought by the school's administration.

“The Radish has been a negative influence on the school community since the beginning of the year,” said the school's fictional principal, Brenda Keegan. “We realized that we had an opportunity not only to stifle a group of outspoken dissidents, but also to turn The Radish into a more productive, positive outlet for school-related news.”

The new Radish's first article will be published on April 8th, and will cover the successes of the most recent pep rally.

The Radish has been poking fun at the administration since its creation in August, 2005. Among its most agitating offenses are its repeated suggestions that some people do not take the school's new mission statement seriously.

Keegan assured readers that while the current staff will be replaced immediately, the spirit of the publication would continue to live on, explaining that “it will just manifest itself in a more appropriate way.”

With a campus aide standing over his shoulder, a more-haggard-than-usual, punched-up Master Sref recited, “The Newton South administration has taken control of The Radish, but everyone should continue to read it as an honest, reliable news source.”

As he concluded and campus aides began to drag him away, Master Sref shouted, “Fight the man!” before he was clubbed unconscious.