Jearl Resnick, a senior at Newton South High School, was shocked yesterday to learn that he will only be allowed to attend one of the 17 colleges to which he has been admitted.

“Nobody told me,” explained Resnick. “Everyone applied to so many schools, it just never occurred to me—I mean, what's the point, if you can only go to one school?” he said in an interview.

Resnick planned to attend at least four colleges before beginning a career. “Here I was thinking I had this great idea for a way to get ahead. Just think about it—I could get any job I want with four bachelor's degrees!” said an exasperated Resnick.

Many of Resnick's classmates are surprised at his ability to get into 17 schools while being too ignorant to know that he could only go to one of them, especially during an admissions season when, in the words of senior James Teukolsky, “everybody got shafted.” Some were less surprised when they learned that Resnick applied to a total of 46 schools.

“Bonkers!” said Chris Kwan, doing some quick math before continuing. “That's 29 rejection letters!”

Tao, after failing to think up a clever ending, proceeded to tiptoe quietly out of the room on the pretense that he would finish this article later, but has not been seen since. He assures his readers that he will try to avoid this kind of gimmick in the future.